Women at work and their tips, challenges, advice, complaints, and experiences

About a week ago I trotted across the street to grab the mail and received a notice from the IRS about the upcoming economic stimulus rebates.  Because the paperwork was a side-tear type of letter, and my daughter has seen me receive rebate checks in a similar format from manufacturers, she assumed there was money included in the notice.  It's amazing where a child's mind will go from there -and the little things they've noticed but never mentioned!

What came of the conversation was really interesting.  It turned into a learning experience for both of us, and hopefully one other divorced parents can use.  Here's what happened, and how I handled it: 

As I was opening the letter from the IRS, my daughter (aka "Chatty") asked, "So, did you get any money?"

Me: "No, unfortunately I didn't.  However, it IS a letter from the government explaining that they plan to send us some money.  That will be handy, huh?"

Chatty: "Yes!  I figured they sent you money because you get those checks from the stores like that."  (Meaning rebate checks from manufacturers; my daughter is paying close attention to couponing and refunding, especially during our Walgreens trips!)

Me: "Nope, not this time."

Chatty: "Or I thought it was somebody telling you how much you got paid today."

Me: "What do you mean?  Why would you think I get paid today?"

Chatty: "You know, because your computer work.  There was a dollar sign on the calendar for today, so I thought they would pay you today.  But that letter doesn't say how much they'll pay you?"

Me: *the light bulb turns on*  "Ahhh, no, the people (KMM, actually! haha) that pay me do all that on the computer.  They send me an email.  The dollar sign on the calendar is to remind me of when your father gets paid."  (*and then my brain went ohhhhh this could be a can of worms.....*)

Chatty: "But you're not married to him any more.  Why do you need to know when he gets paid?"

Me: *hmmmm, how to answer this calmly?  GOT IT!*  "Well, you see, when two people get married and have babies, they have to take care of the kids together, right?"

Chatty: "Right."

Me: "Well, the state says that even if you get divorced, both people still have to help take care of the kids.  So even though your dad doesn't live with you, he's still expected to help take care of you when you're with me - not just when you go to his house."

Chatty: "Ah, so he has to send you money for me?"

Me: "Exactly.  And I mark a little dollar sign on the calendar to remind me when he gets paid.  Because when he gets his paycheck, they send most of it to him - but they take part of it - your part - and send it to the state.  And there's a man there who sends that money on to me to take care of you."

Chatty: "But how come you need to know when he gets the money if they send it to you anyway?"

Me: "Just because I like to be able to plan.  That way I know when there will be money coming for you and I can budget for it - so I know what will be available to spend on you, and when it will be there.  I don't HAVE to know, but I like to be able to plan.  So I remind myself with those little dollar signs, and I know that a few days after I see that, the man who works for the state will send me an email saying he sent money for you."

Chatty: "How come he doesn't just send it?  How come his boss sends it to that man?"

Me: *trying to find a neutral way to explain garnishments without explaining them - ah HA, got it!* "If the man at the state does it, then there's a list of who gets money and who doesn't.  That way I can't say your daddy didn't send the money - he has proof he did.  And that way I know the money is coming - because they send it right from his work to the state.  It makes it easier for everybody."

Chatty: "And that way the kids are taken care of, like they're supposed to?"

Me: "EXACTLY."

PHEW!!!!!!!  That went waaaay better than it could have, just because I stopped to ask why she wanted to know, instead of launching into a tirade about people who don't pay and custodians who have to garnish, or about people who lie and say they didn't get money and try to screw over non-custodial parents.  Rather like those "birds and the bees" conversations, things like this can be handled rationally and calmly - and turn into quite the home economics/budgeting lesson - if parents receiving support try to turn off the emotional part and just explain the process.

PHEW.  haha

Hope it helps someone else out there pre-plan for conversations like this with "two-home" kids - especially since in some states garnishment is automatic, or DSHS/DCS programs offer simple tracking/processing of payments, which is really a protection for both parties, not a garnishment. 

(For more WFMW tips, head over to Rocks in my Dryer.)